Looking for a list of things
remembering us with a ring
a time to notice the clock on the wall
a day I'll likely also recall

A row of many flags there,
wagging back and forth in the wind
like horses at a trough.

Stand stronger last longer
scenery animated of delusion
Directly to the other side

Dave and Tracy and the boys are coming this summer, she mentions yet again. Fourth call actually. Seems the phone is always ringing and although at times I can not believe it is ringing again I cherish the sound of it because it is her on the other end of the line.

Someday she will forget my name. Someday soon she will forget me. Someday she won't call me anymore. I notice the minutes on the phone when we end the call. 2min -10 min-25 min and while I am rubbing my forhead with my thumb and forefinger with a wee bit of frustration, I have to smile.

I think back to when she used to call our names to come in for supper. The arguments as a teenager. The day we moved here after my father left. Just her and I. 40 Bucks in her pocket and on her way to her mothers. Back home after 19 years of marriage. Adoption of my brother and I. A daughter, a wife, a mother, a friend. Deserving of so much more. Poor angel.

I'm so gratefull . Who could I have been?

I miss you Mum.

Started out with good intention this morning. I didn't do as well as I was hoping to but getting out of bed was a success enough. The park was foggy this morning. Favorite run in the woods weather. Although most of it was walking but that will get better.

I always start out like a Lion and turn into a cat. Turning 40 at the first of last month hurt a bit and I know why. I thought at first maybe its because all of my friends are younger. True, a factor it is but is it the perception of that to them that bothers me or is it MY perception of it that gets me? I guess both but while I have been lulling over it I realize that each decade has an official send off into the next with a certificate of authenticity and some kind of saying that sums it all up.

I think my thirties saying would be, 'You can not serve two masters.'

So, how about a prediction of what my fourties sum up will be. Dare I think that far into a furture....So here is a list of possibilites and hopes:

1.) Ill get back to ya.

Once it has been seen to and if I wander on that darker road. I think I will keep it to myself and be all the things I was afraid of. Not telling anyone so they could say..Well, it was the end of her of course she tried. Then it wouldn't be real and appreciated and me. It would be the lousy fear that made me live while I was dying.

My Mother and Me

I have been noticing a change in my mother. A change I recognize.

Just like the first hint of fall in August, just a slight change but a knowing season. How will I ever make it? How will I ever live in this world without my mother? My heart.. its the worst pain in the world... my first fear.